matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
