i jhust puked up my retainher.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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