Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
