wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
