every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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