Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
