Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
