I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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