It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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