Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
