I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
