i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
