Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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