My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
