Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
