So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I want is dick and wine.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
