The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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