i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
