you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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