she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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