I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
