After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
