Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
