My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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