I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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