I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
