i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
