I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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