you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
