theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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