So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
