Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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