Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
