Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
