idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
