there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
