Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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