I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
