i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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