She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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