You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
