i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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