hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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