Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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