I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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