In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
