Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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