my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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