:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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