they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the day after is always just damage control
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
